Monday, February 28, 2011
Kind of reflecting back...
So tonight I found myself looking at my brothers facebook page and some pictures that he was tagged in.. Pictures of him so drunk beyond belief and have a great time with a huge smile on his face.. Then there were others where he just had this sober, unhappy look on his face- and he wasn't sober at all.. Just makes me wonder what kinda thoughts were going through his head... There are pictures where his hair is jet black and he is so skinny.. Then there are other pictures were he has his normal hair color and looks relatively health. Its sad to look at those pictures because I remember the hell that was going on behind them all. After looking back at some of those pictures, the only thing that pops into my mind is this... Was all those times I tried to be the "cool" older sister and buy alcohol for my brother, behind all of this hell he's been going through? I'm sure it didn't help if anything, but the question still sticks in my mind.
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I go to Alanon and one of the first things I learned there was the 3 C's. I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it....but the 4th C is that I can contribute to it...by enabling them and cushioning the natural consequences of my addicts behaviors.
ReplyDeleteIf it hadn't been you, it would have been someone else buying his alcohol for him, because an alcoholic that wants to drink will find a way. Someday you may decide that you want to need an amends to him for your contribution...to set yourself free from the guilt. I have had to make many amends for paying for things when I shouldn't have, for bailing out, for preventing my daughter from hitting her own bottom....because *I* couldn't bare to watch the process. Its amazing how addiction has tentacles that reach out and wrap around everyone close by and pulls them in.
JuBug, You are an awesome big sister....Love you
ReplyDeleteI agree with Annette. He would have gotten it from some other place. Al-Anon is a great help in letting me know that guilt is a useless emotion.
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